Family Discipleship – Part 2: Keys to a Successful Strategy for Discipling your Children

Note: The following includes excerpts from a paper I wrote for a Discipleship class in my EdD program at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. As a result, the tone may be less “sitting at the kitchen table chatting” than many of my posts, but I hope you will find what is written here both challenging and encouraging nonetheless.

Last Friday’s post discussed the necessity and importance of parents being actively engaged in the discipleship of their children. This post picks up where that one left off …

Many biblical principles must be applied in order to develop a successful strategy for discipling your children.  These ideas are not presented in order of importance or in any particular order whatsoever, but each should be applied in order to accomplish the objective.  First, however, it is important that parents understand that there are two forms of discipleship which need to take place in the home – daily discipleship and distinct discipleship.  The two types will be discussed briefly, and then strategies for implementing distinct discipleship in the home will be discussed.  

Make Daily Discipleship a constant endeavor.  Of the two types of discipleship that are critical for parents, the first is daily discipleship, and it is the kind of parenting referenced in the Deuteronomy passage listed above.  This is incessant, ongoing, unceasing training of one’s children.  It takes place twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and three hundred and sixty-five – or six – days a year.  It is never not happening.  Children are always watching; parents are always modeling.  The most important aspect of this discipleship, then, is that parents are first and foremost following Jesus personally.  Salvation, of course, is a prerequisite to being able to disciple one’s children.  However, the ongoing process of sanctification needs to be displayed to the kids as well.  Parents can be “sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6).  Understanding that God is actively working to accomplish his purposes of transformation in their own lives but also aware of their own sinful nature, parents should invite their children to watch them succeed, fail, repent, reconcile, and renew.  Children should be aware of the spiritual disciplines being lived out in the lives of their parents, and should also be encouraged to engage in these behaviors as well.  Family prayer times and devotions are a more structured component of this.  Bedtime routines can be used to teach children not only what to pray, but how to pray (Swain & Swain, 2022). Moments of tension, contention, and conflict can be used to teach appropriate biblical strategies for repentance, forgiveness, and restoration.  Trips to the grocery store can be used to discuss the needs of the community and the importance of evangelism.  Family service projects to help friends and neighbors are opportunities to teach selflessness and service.  Daily discipleship is lived out moment by moment as the parents engage in this primary family relationship.  “Family discipleship moments are about being prepared to take advantage of opportunities to communicate God’s truth in whatever circumstances might come your way” (Chandler & Griffin, p. 113).  Fascinatingly, when the Barna Group did a study of young people who were raised in the church and remain there (a group they refer to as “resilient disciples”), they found that 91% identified worship as a lifestyle rather than simply as an event (Hempell, 2019).  The practice of worship was not an occasional experience but instead was a way of life, one that stuck with them as they moved into adulthood themselves.  However, children need more than just the routine discipleship that is occurring at all times.  

Set aside specific times for Distinct Discipleship. In addition to daily discipleship, however, there need to be certain moments set aside for a more direct approach known as distinct discipleship.  Whereas Jesus working with all twelve disciples can be compared to daily discipleship, the moments where he specifically engaged his three closest apostles can be correlated to distinct discipleship.  As a parent, this will most likely happen one-on-one with each child individually. These moments are in addition to the day-by-day discipleship that is occurring on an ongoing basis.  This represents specific times, seasons, and purposes.  There are certain times set aside where a parent can take one child out to a park or elsewhere to have moments strictly with that young person (for example, Thursday afternoons during the summer).  Additionally, there are particular seasons that often require discipleship to happen in a more personalized, purposeful way, such as puberty, before entering high school or going off to college, or just before marriage.  Also, a parent may recognize specific purposes that lend towards a period of more intentional discipleship such as when a friendship has gone awry or when a particular habitual sin pattern has been identified.  Regardless of the reason, distinct discipleship happens with one child, on a consistent basis, for an established period of time.  To follow are strategies for building a successful distinct discipleship relationship with your children. 

Pray! Truly there is no more critical component to discipleship than prayer.  As Paul said of the growth he had seen in the church at Corinth, “but God gave the growth.  So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth” (I Corinthians 3:6-7).  All human efforts are in vain if God is not doing His work in an individual’s life; therefore, it is critical to establish a pattern of personal prayer.  Smith (2011) emphasizes the idea that the single greatest thing you can do for your children, or for the generations that will follow, is to pray for them.  Prayer will also help battle the anxious spirit that parents sometime face as they are raising their children.  The antidote that Paul suggests for this anxiety is prayer, holding one’s hands out before God like a beggar who has no hope for survival other than what God can provide, and thanksgiving (Philippians 4:6).  In his book on spiritual disciplines, Donald Whitney (2014) points out that God expects His people to pray (Matthew 6:5-9, Luke 11:0, Luke 18:1) and even commands it (Colossians 4:2, I Thessalonians 5:17).  Ironically, it is this researcher’s experience that while most believers claim to believe in the power of prayer, their lives do not necessarily reflect that belief in actual action. Chandler and Griffin (2020) point out that even when parents look back at the past with remorse, they can simultaneously remember that “our role is to plant seeds of truth, water them, and pray that God will give them life and growth as we trust in his goodness and mercy over all our shortcomings” (p. 21). 

Engage in personal repentance. I John 1:8 points out quite sternly that “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” Numerous other passages in Scripture point out that no person who has ever lived, with the exception of Jesus Christ, has escaped the hold of sin.  Parents, then, should not be surprised at their own sin, even after salvation.  However, a willingness to repent is absolutely essential to spiritual growth.  This is important, first and foremost, because an individual’s relationship with God is directly impacted by any known sin (Psalm 66:18).  Additionally, living with unconfessed sin while endeavoring to disciple our children will set off the alarms of their “hypocrisy detectors” (Smith, 2011, p. 112).  God is so desirous of pure worship from His people that He reminds them that, before they offer their worship to Him, they should first reconcile any offenses they have committed against another brother (Matthew 5:23-24).  He also encourages all who have been sinned against to seek restoration and reconciliation with that brother (Matthew 18:15).   Thankfully, when a person confesses, forgiveness is freely offered by God because of the blood of Jesus Christ (I John 1:7-9).  Children, too, are frequently willing to forgive when sin is confessed and a parent seeks restoration and reconciliation.  

Grow.  The Christian life was never meant to be stagnant but, rather, is designed for growth (I Peter 2:2-3, II Peter 3:19, Hebrews 6:1). Thompson (2011) points out that “you cannot disciple your children beyond your own level of discipleship” (p. 46).  This does not mean that a parent must have been mentored or discipled by another more mature believer; if that were the case, many parents would be unfortunately incapable of fulfilling the mandate which God has given them.  Rather, it means that a parent cannot grow their children as faithful followers of Christ beyond the level to which they themselves have grown.  Parents need to be a step ahead.  It might only be one tiny step, but a step it must be.  Parents are thus encouraged to spend time devoted to their own personal growth.  This involves reading Scripture, meditating on it, choosing appropriate study resources from which to gain knowledge and understanding, and even, where possible, seeking a mentor for themselves.  The four levels of Paul’s discipleship model (II Timothy 2:2) remain an effective goal whenever possible.  Like Timothy, parents should have a “Paul” (someone a step ahead of them in emulating Christ) to whom they can look for guidance – perhaps a pastor, friend, or another individual in their church who is one step further head in their parenting – as well as peers (“faithful witnesses”) who are walking alongside them.   Wilkins (1992) spoke about Jesus’ words in Luke 6:40, acknowledging that Jesus “indicates that a disciple, when he is fully trained, will be like his teacher” (p. 349, emphasis the original author’s).  What a challenge to parents to be worthy examples to their children! 

Record and rehearse the works of God. From nearly the beginning of time, God encouraged His people to remember His faithfulness to them.  They were instructed to write down His works, to build memorials, and to never forget His perpetual goodness and kindness toward them. In addition to memorializing His actions, the people of God were challenged to rehearse these records with future generations.  Remembering God’s goodness served the purposes of helping His people overcome fear (I Samuel 12:24), reminding them to turn to him (Psalm 111:2), and encouraging them to not be tempted with pride (Deuteronomy 8:10-18).  Ultimately, the psalmist spells out the purpose of remembering God’s provision and faithfulness when he states, “Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord” (Psalm 102:18).  Remembering God’s works is not just for this generation; it is for the next as well.  Parents should write down the ways God has provided for themselves and for the family, then rehearse those events and praise God for His goodness.  For anyone who cannot currently recall specific workings of God in their life, begin now to look closely and document God’s provision and protection, and in the meantime choose psalms like Psalm 103 to help the family rehearse the faithfulness of God.  

Have accountability. When Moses gave the people God’s mandate for parental discipleship, he did not start out addressing individual parents.  Rather, he began by addressing the entire nation, “Hear, O Israel …” (Deuteronomy 6:4).  The age old adage that “it takes a village” can certainly be carried too far, but at the same time it has its roots in the idea that people who work together are more likely to be successful! Parents, join hands with other parents who have similar objectives for raising their children and providing intentional discipleship.  Text or call each other regularly to make sure you are maintaining the goals that have been established.  Maintain accountability relationships within the church setting as well.  The church should walk alongside parents in their pursuit of godly parenting.  Steenburg (2011), in his dissertation on training parents in family discipleship, defined family ministry within the church as “the process of intentionally and persistently aligning a congregation’s proclamation and practices so that parents are acknowledged, trained, and held accountable as the persons primarily responsible for the discipleship of their children” (p. 149). 

Be intentional. As identified in Smith’s (2011) dissertation, one of the key challenges faced by parents is not having enough time.  Distinct discipleship requires an additional level of intentionality.  Prioritize it.  Put it on the calendar.  Do not let other things get in the way.  

Choose appropriate timing. Only you as a parent know when your child is ready for distinct discipleship.  As discussed above, this often falls within the dialectic phase of learning, which frequently falls around late elementary school.  Chandler and Griffin (2020) recommend that this discipleship happen between the ages of 8 and 18, although this researcher’s personal parenting experience would suggest that starting around age 10-12 is generally preferred and more likely to achieve the desired outcome.  That said, the years prior to this particular method of discipleship are not to be wasted.  Daily discipleship is still occurring on a daily basis.  Additionally, parents must use this time to build deep foundational relationships with their children.  

Have a plan. Whereas daily discipleship frequently happens in the mundane, daily moments of life and opportunities can arise completely unexpectedly, distinct discipleship works best when a precise plan is in place.  The plan can be as simple as having the child bring any two questions they want to ask while the parent brings one verse or thought they would like to share, or it can be as elaborate as going through a particular book study together.  The key, however, is having some sort of plan.  A famous proverb (predominantly attributed to American motivational speaker Zig Ziglar) states, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.” Establish a specific objective.  Ultimately, the foundation for any discipleship plan must be the Word of God, which contains “all things that pertain to life and godliness” (II Peter 1:3), but parents are encouraged to avail themselves of other available resources as well to help themselves and their child grow and mature together.  

Model Christlike behavior. Perhaps this should be considered automatically understood, but it bears repeating: parents who want their children to follow Christ’s example must be following His example themselves.  The most memorable behavior is that which is seen more than said.  Chandler and Griffin (2020) devote an entire section of their book to this preeminent objective, acknowledging that modeling requires parents to be both reliable as well as relatable.  Citing Jesus’ example, the authors encourage all parents to be “serving as a godly example for your family, living out your genuine walk with God, and demonstrating true repentance where and when you fall short” (p. 80).  

Be individual. Distinct Discipleship is intended to be one-on-one.  Parents of large families face a particular challenge when it comes to alone time with individual children, but this is essential for the discipleship relationship.  Yes, there may be moments where multiple children are included, there may even be particular seasons where a Bible study is done as a smaller group within the larger family unit, but the importance of individualized time should also not be neglected.  Ogden (2003) is a huge proponent of triads (the disciple-maker plus two who are being discipled). While this is an effective strategy among adults, parents should seek to have specific time set aside with each of their own children individually.  

Listen well. James reminds believers that they should be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19).  An important part of discipleship is teaching and training, but an equally important part is listening. Allow your children to share anything that is on their hearts without fear of a negative reaction.  Smith (2011) discusses the concept of listening to your children, particularly your teenagers.  He states, “When parents give their full attention to their teen, a teenager will feel a sense of significance … If parents are reluctant to work on listening skills, it could cost parents more than they want to pay” (p. 159).  The tragic part is, oftentimes parents do not realize the cost of their busy-ness or unwillingness to listen until the payment is already coming do in the form of a broken relationship and a teenager who does not wish to listen to what they have to say.  

Build the relationship over time. A solid foundational relationship is essential to parental discipleship.  Develop open communication.  Spend time sharing activities that are mutually enjoyed (but may not have anything to do with spiritual things).  Those hours will not be wasted, as they will build a relationship that will open natural doors for discipleship down the road.  Swain & Swain (2022) state that, “Time leads to transparency.  The time we spend with our children today equals transparency tomorrow.  When children spend more time with a parent, they talk more.”  This researcher has found this to be particularly true.  Parents who are struggling in their discipleship relationship may benefit from setting aside spiritual topics for a bit and remembering what it is like to have fun together with their child.  

Review obstacles and address. Each parent must evaluate for himself or herself what obstacles stand in the way of effective discipleship of their children.  Once determined, parents should work diligently to remove the impediments.  Not enough time? Reprioritize and rework the schedule.  Not enough knowledge? Start learning.  Think someone else is better suited to the task? God chose you.  Concerned the child will not listen? Build the relationship.  If a parent is convinced of the need to disciple his or her children, nothing should stand in the way of following through on God’s command.  Where God directs, He provides.  As Chandler and Griffin astutely state, “God never asks you to do anything he does not empower you to do” (p. 20-21). 

Evaluate, assess, change as needed. Sometimes as parents progress in the discipleship process they will discover things are not working out as they had hoped.  Take the time to evaluate what is occurring, assess contributing factors, and adjust strategies as needed in order to be more effective.  This includes both self-assessment, as well as giving the child an opportunity to speak to how they believe things are going.  Do they have suggestions for improvement?  If so, work to incorporate reasonable suggestions quickly.  

Identify both short- and long-term goals. It is easy for parents to get caught in one of two traps – either to be so focused on the moments at hand that they lose sight of the bigger picture, or to be so intent on the objective that they forget what is immediately in front of them.  It is essential for parents to have both long-term goals focused on, for example, when their student graduates from high school, as well as short-term goals such as what they desire to accomplish in a particular summer or season of discipleship.  Ultimately, keep the primary objective in sight – “to encourage, equip, and challenge one another in love to grow toward maturity in Christ.  This includes equipping the disciple to teach others as well” (p. 129).  In the meantime, do not forget to have specific, achievable, short-term goals as well.  

Repeat and repeat … and repeat and repeat. Do not give up! There will be moments when the windows of your child’s soul will open and you will catch glimpses of the growth God is orchestrating in their lives.  There will also be times when you sense that all of your labor is for naught! Stay the course. Chandler and Griffin (2020) point out that these transformations may occur at a painfully slow rate at times, and the progress may be nearly indiscernible in some moments.  They state, “Only a fool plants an acorn in the evening and comes back in the morning looking for an oak.  Your work to cultivate that change will be painstaking and gradual, unfolding over a lifetime” (p. 157).  

Application and Call to Action

The call for parents to disciple their children should by this point be blindingly obvious.  “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, to him it is sin” (James 4:17).  The most crucial components can be captured in these three steps: 

Look to the mirror.  Parents should first look at their own thoughts, words, and actions and evaluate them in light of the standard of the Scripture.  Repentance before God and others should be the immediate course of action for any identified sin.  Fathers and mothers should endeavor to live in a manner consistent with God’s Word, modeling for their children what it means to follow Christ. 

Look to the Master. Knowing their own sinfulness, parents should be drawn again and again back to the message of the Gospel and to the heart of their Father who has called them to the glorious task of discipling the children He has given them.  Self-reliance should be set aside so that dependency on God and His grace can result in spirit-filled living.  

Look to the mission.  Avoid distraction.  Be intentional.  Choose faithfulness.   “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work” (II Corinthians 9:8). 

In closing, the behaviors our children see modeled consistently are the ones they are most likely to follow.  Words of instruction are most powerful when demonstrated in action; children are acutely aware of hypocrisy, and the most effective discipleship they encounter may be what they see rather than what they hear.  Edgar Guest (1934, p. 599) captured this idea in his poem “Sermons We See.” 

I’d rather see a sermon
     than hear one any day;
I’d rather one should walk with me
     than merely tell the way.
The eye’s a better pupil
     and more willing than the ear,
Fine counsel is confusing,
     but example’s always clear;
And the best of all preachers
     are the men who live their creeds,
For to see good put in action
     is what everybody needs.

I soon can learn to do it
     if you’ll let me see it done;
I can watch your hands in action,
     but your tongue too fast may run.
And the lecture you deliver
     may be very wise and true,
But I’d rather get my lessons
     by observing what you do;
For I might misunderstand you
     and the high advice you give,
But there’s no misunderstanding
     how you act and how you live.

What would you add to this list? What techniques have you successfully utilized in discipling your child(ren)?